Meus Verus Persona

My desires and my inner self is at war.

I consider myself a submissive, but then I remembered today how much I hate being dependent on anyone. When I forget that important little thing, something always happens to remind me that I have become that which I do not like. I always have considered dependency on others to be my invisible chains.

I always have kept my strongest feelings close to my heart, not really letting anyone see them if possible. I feel that if I let my emotions out, it seems like others have that unwanted control over me.

Right now, I need somebody to take control of the reins, I'm falling, and I need it. Why is it so hard to find that person? My ex-bf wants to take of me, but I don't want to put that burden on him. It doesn't seem like him...

I don't know, I mean I have a limit on older people seeing that it just feels weird, cause they're closer to my parents' age.

I don't know, all I know is what I need right now.

i give up on people. i should just be selfish now shouldn't i? nobody is ever there when i actually need someone...

Three years have passed since I've started college, and in probably around a year or so, I'll be ending my undergraduate career, and starting on the grad school path or entering the real world. We shall see....

I think I might be falling for someone (for real), but there's something holding me back from just letting myself go. He's not what I expected myself to fall for, but yet there's something that draws me to him. I don't know what it is.....

Right now it is spring break, and I'm still in (the ghost) town, working 3 days this week, and the other two, well... idk besides running errands for friends. It's just me and the puppy(who i'll never ever trade for anything, sacrifice having a life even).

Onto more intimate matters....
A friend and I were discussing D/s relationships, and she thought I would be most likely be a Dom if put into a situation. I've considered it, but I've often thought of myself as a sub. Then again, coming from a family were I've been sheltered all my life, I don't know if the structure of a life being a sub will actually be good for me. If in bed sure, but in actual daily basis, sometimes I like being taken care of and not being in charge, but with the knowledge that if I want to take control of my life, I have the option to do so. I've been told what to do, how to act all my life, that sometimes I just want to let go.

Everyone who knows tells me to let myself love him, to open my heart and not let him go. But there's something that keeps on holding me back from doing that, and that's myself.

One's worst enemy is their own self.

Baby steps maybe? I know in a previous post I said I wanted to be able to do that, but apparently it's harder to do, when you've potentially found the one....

I write when I need to. When  I feel that nobody should ever hear my dark thoughts. When I don't think people would like to hear that the desire to make myself bleed again. I do, right now that is.

I don't know why. Just that I do. One of the things that remain hidden about me...

            I tried to find a way to live, and it seems I'm not going to be allowed that. Going outside of the boundaries or normality is not allowed and I am anything but normal. I am never enough it seems, there's nothing positive about me. I am mediocre, and compared to him, I am a failure and he has more potential to succeed than I do.

                I am no one. Nothing. Does anyone even really know the real me? I've tried showing the world, but every time I had to hide again. I wanted to live without the pills, but it seems that I can't run from them. Relationships are not for me, whatever kind they are. Even my familial relationship sucks. Wait a minute, what familial relationship? Only ties I have to them is through blood. They should just have given me away, might have saved them the heartache.

                 I want to stop feeling any emotion.  I want to bleed. Maybe even just die.

I NEED TO DIE.

I feel so .. mellow. As if I'm just passing through time, waiting for tomorrow to come. I'm with my boyfriend right now, but nothing can really get me out of this, even if I think he's awesome and really like being around him. I wonder why I still keep my old entries on livejournal, I can never seem to bring myself to completely erase them. Once in awhile, I find myself going back to that very special post from eilles from livejournal, whose reply to my outburst, has been somehow my source of strength, something that has helped me to move forward from that day. I'm getting tired of taking my anti-depressants, but I don't like what I feel when I stop taking them for 2 days. It sucks.....

Why does the heart have to be so treacherous? So unstable and so unexpected? Before, I swore that I would forget *someone* and now, well, let's say that's he's perhaps replaced by another who is totally unusual for me to fall for....

GOdS!!! WHAT's HAPPENING WITH ME???? Still, the hectic week hasn't passed and I do not have time to post my poetry or write any new ones at the moment. My hands are full, quite full, that this entry is squeezed into my tiring schedule....